2 Samuel 1-3

The book of Second Samuel, [is] an … R-rated chronicle of David’s serial-killer years“. From this intro on the SAB website, I’d say it’s not gonna be any better than the last few books.

Chapter 1

And in the very first chapter, I’m not disappointed. David returns from slaughtering the Amalekites (how many times is this poor tribe going to be slaughtered in the bible? They must be the hardiest bunch ever, to not completely wiped out by now!). And then he kills the poor honest messenger who brings news of Saul’s death. And about that death – did Saul really kill himself as previously stated? Not according to this messenger. David’s song of mourning for Saul and Jonathan has two notable lines: It’s the source of the phrases ‘how are the mighty fallen’ (v 19 and 25); and “I am distressed for thee, my brother Jonathan: very pleasant hast thou been unto me: thy love to me was wonderful, passing the love of women.” (v 26). Hmmm

Chapter 2

David becomes king of Judah, and he reigns like a manipulative mafia don. But Saul’s son controls all the other tribes. The rivalry gets ugly, and men die just for sport.

Chapter 3

foreskinsDavid has 6 sons born to 6 different women. The bible doesn’t even say if all of them were married to David or not. The squabbling continues; one of Saul’s generals defects to David’s side, and Michel (David’s first wife, who was traded away in 1 Sam 25:44), becomes part of a business deal once again (v 13-14). He wants his property back because he bought her fair and square, after all, with the 100 foreskins (funny, 1 Sam 18:27 says 200). Oh well, what’s a few foreskins one way or the other….. The double-crossing and murder continue in the rest of the chapter, and David curses all the descendants of his betrayer with leprosy, lameness, starvation, and military defeat. (v 29) Angry much?

Image is again from the Brick Testament.

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